When Nothing Feels the Same After a Scary Experience
Understanding Trauma-Related Stress and Adjustment Difficulties in Children and Teens
Many parents reach out to me with a similar feeling: something happened, and since then, their child hasn’t been the same.
Sometimes it’s a clearly identifiable event — a car accident, a sudden loss, a frightening medical situation, a violent incident, or a betrayal of trust. Other times it’s harder to pinpoint, but the shift is undeniable. A child who used to feel safe in the world suddenly becomes anxious. A teen who was once social becomes withdrawn. Sleep changes. School becomes a struggle. Emotions feel bigger, louder, and harder to manage.
Parents often try everything. They talk, comfort, distract, explain, and reassure. And yet the symptoms persist — which can be confusing, exhausting, and heartbreaking.
What many families don’t realize is this: after overwhelming experiences, children and teens may not be reacting to the event itself anymore. They may be reacting to what the event did to their nervous system.
Trauma Is Not Just a Memory — It’s a “Nothing Works” Experience
The word trauma comes from the Greek word for “wound.” In psychotherapy, we use it to describe a psychological injury that can happen after an extremely stressful, threatening, or overwhelming event.
A key part of trauma is not only fear — it is helplessness.
A traumatic experience often has this core feeling underneath it:
“I can’t get away.”
“I can’t fight.”
“I can’t stop it.”
“Nothing works.”
When the nervous system registers that kind of helplessness, it can get stuck in survival mode — even long after the danger has passed.
Why Trauma Symptoms Can Look Like “Other Problems”
Many parents expect trauma to look like fear or sadness. But in children and teens, trauma-related stress often shows up in ways that can look like something else entirely.
A child might become restless, irritable, or aggressive.
Another child may shut down, cry easily, or seem emotionally distant.
Some children develop nightmares, trouble sleeping, or separation anxiety.
Teens may experience intense mood swings, emotional numbness, self-harm, or risky behavior.
Trauma-related symptoms can also appear as:
sudden school avoidance or a drop in grades
concentration problems
obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors
physical complaints (stomachaches, headaches)
withdrawal from friends or family
increased sensitivity to noise, touch, or conflict
From the outside, it can look like “behavior problems,” defiance, laziness, or a phase.
From the inside, it often feels like an alarm system that won’t turn off.
The Brain in Emergency Mode (A Simple Explanation)
One of the most helpful things for families is understanding what happens in the brain during and after trauma.
In everyday life, the brain can think, reflect, regulate emotions, and store memories in an organized way.
But in a threatening situation, the brain switches into emergency mode. Survival takes over. The part of the brain responsible for fight, flight, or freeze becomes dominant. Stress hormones flood the system. The body prepares for danger.
After the event, children and teens may experience:
hyperarousal (restlessness, tension, sleep problems, irritability)
intrusive memories or “flashbacks” (images, sensations, feelings that return suddenly)
avoidance (of places, people, conversations, or situations)
dissociation (feeling disconnected, “zoned out,” or not fully present)
This is not a child being dramatic.
This is a nervous system doing its best to protect them.
When Symptoms Last: Trauma-Related Adjustment Difficulties
Not every child who experiences something scary will need therapy. Many children recover naturally when they feel safe, supported, and understood.
But when symptoms persist and begin to interfere with daily life, we often see what is called an Adjustment Disorder — sometimes trauma-related — where a child struggles to return to their normal functioning after a stressful event.
This does not mean your child is weak.
It means the experience overwhelmed their system, and their coping resources need support.
How Therapy Helps Children and Teens Heal After Trauma
And why it doesn’t start with “talking about it”
One of the biggest misconceptions about trauma therapy is the belief that a child has to tell the whole story right away.
In reality, trauma therapy does not begin with confrontation.
It begins with safety.
In my work, I follow a phase-based approach, which is widely used in trauma-informed psychotherapy.
1) Safety and Understanding (Psychoeducation)
The first step is helping the child — and the parents — understand what is happening.
This can be deeply relieving.
Children often feel ashamed or confused about their symptoms. Teens may think they are “broken,” “weak,” or “crazy.” When they learn that their reactions are normal responses to overwhelming stress, something softens.
A child begins to feel:
“This makes sense. I’m not alone. I’m not wrong.”
2) Stabilization: Helping the Nervous System Calm Down
Before trauma can be processed, the nervous system needs tools to come back to regulation.
Depending on age and personality, stabilization may include:
grounding skills
breathing and body-based regulation
imaginative techniques (such as a “safe place” image or a protective figure)
strengthening emotional boundaries
building internal resources and self-trust
This stage is not “avoiding the trauma.”
It is preparing the child’s system to be able to face it safely.
3) Trauma Processing (Only When the Child Is Ready)
Once a child or teen has enough stability, trauma processing can begin carefully and at their pace.
For younger children, this is often done through play, drawing, symbolic expression, and developmentally appropriate storytelling.
For teens, trauma processing may involve structured imagery-based approaches and trauma-focused techniques that help them regain a sense of power, choice, and self-compassion.
The goal is not to relive the trauma.
The goal is to reduce its emotional grip — so it no longer controls the present.
4) Integration: Moving Forward Without Being Pulled Back
Healing does not mean forgetting what happened.
It means the experience becomes integrated — a part of the story, not the whole story.
Children begin to return to their natural curiosity, playfulness, and flexibility. Teens often reconnect to their identity, their future, and their relationships in a more grounded way.
Why Parent Support Is a Key Part of Healing
Children do not heal in isolation. They heal in relationships.
That is why parent work is an important part of trauma-informed therapy. Parents often need guidance on:
how to respond to trauma symptoms at home
what helps and what unintentionally escalates distress
how to rebuild safety and predictability
how to support a child without forcing them to talk
how to manage their own fear, guilt, or helplessness
Many parents carry heavy emotions after a child’s trauma. That does not mean they did anything wrong. It means they care deeply.
And support for parents is support for the child.
A Gentle Closing Thought
When children and teens struggle after a traumatic or overwhelming experience, it is not a sign that they are failing.
It is a sign that their nervous system is still trying to protect them.
With safety, time, a supportive therapeutic relationship, and the right pacing, healing is possible.
Sometimes the most important message a child needs to feel — not just hear — is simple:
“You are safe now. And you don’t have to carry this alone.”
